Sam and Max Hit Hell
by Joeybrand
Summary: OH JESUS! Another Sam and Max fanfic writer! It was bound to happen sooner or later. SALMONAX go to hell to stop Satan's awkward evilness. R


Sam and Max Hit Hell  
  
The scene opens inside the office of the Freelance police. Sam was just sitting down to a Orange ice cream Popsicle and a frosty mug of root beer, while Max was shooting at something from the window..  
  
Sam: You know little buddy, these last few days have left me kind of nostalgic.  
  
Max: (still shooting out the window) EAT THIS STICK BOY! I GOT YOUR LOG RIGHT HERE!!!..I'm sorry Sam, what were you saying.  
  
Sam: Nostalgic, I'm feeling nostalgic.  
  
Max: You shouldn't use big words Sam; they hurt my feelings.  
  
Sam: I'm sorry Max; I don't know what's come over me.  
  
Max: Shooting at birds and people that look like birds always makes me feel better.  
  
Sam: I don't know Max; I've always felt that police should preserve peace.  
  
A blank stare registered on Max's face followed by the dropping of his gun.  
  
Sam: That was a joke Max.  
  
Max: Whew. You scared me there. I thought I was gonna have to bite you in places where you can't scratch.  
  
Sam: Sorry to disappoint you Max. Maybe some other time.  
  
Just then, there was a pounding at the door.  
  
Sam: HARK! Who is that rapping at our door?  
  
Max: He's knocking, not rapping smartass. You need to get your ears checked.  
  
The door burst open as the mailman charged in breathing heavily. There were several bullet holes in his mailbag.  
  
Mailman Steve: OH JESUS!! SOMEONE WAS TRYING TO KILL ME.  
  
Max: Was he cute and fuzzy?  
  
Sam: You must be new. Mailman Harry always came in the back way. It was safer.  
  
Mailman Steve: What happened to him?  
  
Sam: I think he got stabbed.  
  
Max: (Pulls out a knife with blood dripping from it) With this knife.  
  
Mailman Steve backs away slowly as Max inched closer to him.  
  
Sam: That's the one. You got any mail for us?  
  
He pulls out a letter and tosses it in the air while running and screaming.  
  
Sam: Rookies...So what does the letter say Max?  
  
Max takes the letter and bites into it.  
  
Max: It's from your mother. (takes another bite) She sends her love. (finishes eating the letter) Paw print.  
  
Sam: Good Ol' mom.  
  
Max: She never comes around anymore.  
  
Sam: That's because you dropped a typewriter on her head last time she visited.  
  
Max: That only happens like once a month.  
  
Sam: And the rest of the time, it's a bowling ball.  
  
The phone rings. Their ears pipe up as the phone started to jingle up and down. They both scream "I GOT IT!!" as they rushed the phone. Sam picks up the phone while pointing a bazooka launcher at Max. Max raises his arms and voices a you win.  
  
Sam: Sam and Max, Freelance Police. Oh hello Commissioner. You what, who.WHERE! HOLY HIGH SCHOOL CATHOLIC GIRLS STRANDED ON THE SHORES OF MISTY AVALON!! We'll be right there.  
  
Max: (Draws another point for Sam in their competition to see who gets the phone.) Was that my favorite person it the world.  
  
Sam: No Max, I'm afraid that wasn't the Easter Bunny. It was the commissioner. He was telling me that there is a big problem in Hades. Satan has gone nuts and we need to stop him.  
  
Max: Stop him with extreme aggressiveness?  
  
Sam: Never specified Max.  
  
A big grin flashes onto Max's face as he pulls out a massive gatling gun.  
  
Sam: I should like to know where you pulled that thing from one of these days.  
  
Max: That's none of your damn business Sam, but I did have the answer to that question written down on a piece of paper for you to read when you were sitting down.  
  
Sam opens the paper up and begins to read. A moment of shock washed over him, then turned to disgust as he began to clutch his stomach.  
  
Sam: You're right buddy, that really is none of my business.  
  
Max: Shall we?  
  
Sam: (Finishes throwing up) Yes Max, we shall.  
  
Max: WE'RE GOING TO HELL!!  
  
Sam: Hades Max, children will be reading this.  
  
The scene shifts to a fiery, humid place. Sam and Max arrive sweating profusely.  
  
Sam: Whew. It sure is hot down here.  
  
Max: I'll take off all my clothes.  
  
Sam: You're not wearing any clothes Max.  
  
Max: oh. How did we get down here anyway?  
  
Sam: Well, you were singing On the Road Again to a Spice Girls song.  
  
Max: And that's where I blacked out?  
  
Sam: Right. Then I took the River Styx to the gates of Hades.  
  
They look at the gate, which seems to be locked.  
  
Sam: Okay Max, I'm gonna throw you over. All you have to do is unlock the gate from the other side.  
  
A big grin flashes on Max's face. Sam curls Max into a ball and launches him high into the air.  
  
Sam: Oh look, there was a key under the door mat all along. (takes it and unlocks the gate.)  
  
Sam opens the gate and steps to the other side just as Max hits the ground.  
  
Sam: Sorry about that Max, you did that all for nothing.  
  
Max: I did what with a what now?  
  
Sam: Nothing. Hey, is that Cerberus?  
  
The three headed hellhound emerged from the fire, growling and showing its fangs.  
  
Max: Neato Max, I mean Sam. Can I keep him?  
  
Sam: 'fraid not Max, but I'll get you a bunny on the way home.  
  
Max: That wasn't even funny Sam.  
  
Suddenly, Satan emerged from the fire wearing a dress and skipping around like a Swedish girl.  
  
Sam: Oh Jesus Max, it's worse than we thought.  
  
Max: We?  
  
Sam: Okay, I thought. Something has transformed Satan into Transvestite Republican.  
  
Max: Must you always make fun of Republicans?  
  
Sam: Yes.  
  
Satan: Why, HEEEELLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  
  
Max: (pulls out his gun) Let me whack him.  
  
Sam: Somehow, I don't think shooting the Prince of Darkness is gonna help.  
  
Max: Where's Ozzy?  
  
Sam: Not that prince, I'm talking about the King of all things evil.  
  
Max: Barbara Streisand?  
  
Sam: I give up.  
  
Satan: Would you like a FLOOOOOOOOOWEEEEEEEEEER!  
  
Sam: Maybe we should shoot him.  
  
A shot could be heard as Satan goes down.  
  
Sam: SAM! I mean MAX!  
  
Max: What? It's in the script.  
  
Max pulls out the script and shows Sam.  
  
Sam: So it does. Huh. Oh well, Shall we go home?  
  
Max: (seen riding Cerberus) Only if I can keep him.  
  
Sam: Oh, I suppose.  
  
So Sam and Max ride off into the fire on the back of their faithful three-headed hellhound.  
  
Max: (singing) I saw the sign! And it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign!  
  
Sam: Don't make me turn this thing around.  
  
Max: I pity the fool! I pity the fool!  
  
  
  
  
  
Authors note: I told you this would be harmful to society..I think I've got this Sam and Max thing down though, so enjoy and review. 


End file.
